It’s true. I have one.
Mine was very busy today building a funeral pyre for someone i was really angry at.
I was shocked, I was disappointed, I was hurt by someone I don’t even know and it triggered my inner bitch to spring from the depths of my being with finger pointin’ and head- a -bobbin.
I was so triggered I had to call “the coach” .
It’s stupid really… the interaction should just make me shake my head and laugh but i just couldn’t because the whole thing just threw me.
Here’s what happened:
A woman I’ve looked up to, and was feeling very close to “spiritually” fell off the pedestal i’d placed her on. Has that ever happened to you?
Mistake #1: Pedestals are stupid.
Over a year ago, I’d discovered her in some little random book review. She’s an unknown (or was at the time) but I could see she’s made similar discoveries in her”work” and felt it very aligned with some of our discoveries at TRP . I felt compelled to know her so I signed myself up for an advanced copy of the book ( digital version) and downloaded it the morning it was released I have yet to read the whole thing . I felt a connection even in the first few pages for multiple reasons – loved what I’ve read so far. I reached out to tell her so but never heard back so not taking it personally, I figured our paths would cross. It’s a year later and I reached out…(for like the sixth time) thinking she might want to align with TRP on a current project I thought would be right up her alley because her “soul- work” (as she called it) is very much aligned… in fact, so aligned, she wondered if perhaps I had copied her.
Yes, that’s right…
Her response (she finally replied), left me completely flabbergasted. I don’t have to justify myself but of course proceeded to do so anyway when she accused me of copying her work **choke choke, sputter, sputter**.
Wait! I’d begun this journey long before i knew of her work, and way before she had published her book, and I told her as much while also sending proof of my repeated attempts to contact her wishing to collaborate and applauding her efforts while being completely transparent about how Kismet our insights were. ‘Can’t win fer losin’ apparently, and Oh, wait, I thought you were all, light n’ love n’ stuff and what no room in the self-development sandbox for anyone else?
In case you are second guessing my REACTION (lol) this was her reply to my enthusiastic invitation:
“My ________(name of her company/brand) , is my soul-work in the world and if it’s authentically yours as well, then I send you every possible blessing. Being inspired by each others work is beautiful. I just hope that this is all that’s going on- inspiration and not copying. I trust you deliberated over that distinction. And have presented what is truly in alignment for you. I wish you well. With love and light (and then her name) “
There was more but it’s not even worth it to post because you would not believe it. I’m just going to say this: after a nice reply – she returned my email addressing me as “lady- ”
It was so completely and utterly out of “alignment” with love and light, and beauty, and blessings, and namaste that I felt like I was getting punked or something. I mean… I was absolutely stunned. Was someone filming this to mess with me?
I felt myself go all fifty shades of bitch.
When my false demi-goddess’s tumble off pedestals and lay in heaps of broken pieces on the floor before me, I struggle.
I wrestle in my soul between wanting to run and get the E-6000 to salvage what remains, or stomp in a frenzy on the broken pieces until they turn into a puff of powdered remains and become banished from my sight.
Both options suck however, because it’s done, over, broken.. never to be the same. My illusions are shattered and once again I have to look at my own expectations, and how often I will attach them to people and situations in my life and then throw a tantrum when it doesn’t turn out.
My “revelation” is that: I’d put her on this higher ground without ever considering the obvious- that she is a human being, possibly also having a bad day…
and of course even as I say this I don’t want my reaction to be like… “oh, ok hey, that, yeah.. whatever bitch.” but that’s where i am at because it was so obviously not a proper response… oh, there’s that expectation again.
I try to put each day’s experiences into the Project and ask myself:
“What wants to be revealed here?”
but sometimes that does not feel like very much fun at all – and I’d rather instead point my finger and call her a self-centered such and such, instead of looking at myself, and what really happened to trigger me so.
The truth is:
I felt really misunderstood by her response, and her accusation was cloaked in flowers and unicorns= crazy making which makes me even madder.
I felt let down.
I felt BITCHY. Stark raving BITCHY before I even reached out to her so it was the perfect *teacher* except i don’t much feel like being edumacated today.
That’s the only place I got to so far because I’m just not ready to look at my own stuff quite yet and because I’d rather be catty for a few more hours ( it’s easier, and more fun!) until I have some perspective to cool off, and maybe my insight will be overflowing ; what-ever).
So… back to the catty:
how about the “love and light” part of her reply? Baaahaa! that’s just pure comedy, like bitch-slapping me and then asking me if I’d like a gum-drop to suck on while i nurse my swollen face.- it’s priceless.
I have not crafted my response- i’m kidding- i know to let it go because it’s an utter waste of precious energy… but in my imagination it would be a beautiful tribute to my inner b*-otch signed with a big ol’
(The inner-bitch in me salutes the inner-bitch in you)